Open Question: HELP: university personal statement, is it good enough? (updated)?

(((( here is the link for my old question if you feel the neeed to read both.. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AuDh5jF0bme1M5JO3CDMwwvsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20090114025822AAQc2hQ constructive critisism NEEDED!! :D ))))) I currently have three major interests in my life; computers, maths and music, and I feel that the combination of these three bring all their own strengths and creativity. I engage wholeheartedly in these areas both in my school courses and out of school, bringing great knowledge of all three to my skills. I hope to carry them on into the course I will choose and the extra-curricular opportunities at university. Computers have been a key part of my life from a very young age and have a wide knowledge of the use and construction of PC’s. Since the age of 4, I have been regularly using computers, and extensively building my own from the age of 10. Website design has also captured my imagination through the pure creativity of being able to create anything and being viewed by millions from around the world. Using the self trained knowledge of PHP and HTML, I have created numerous websites such as online ecommerce stores, online game clan websites, blogs and image gallery scripts, Bringing in over 100,000 hits a month. I have been extremely successful in this field and this understanding brings a defined logical pattern and structure. With a wide knowledge of computers and the works in conjunction with my interest in mathematics brings great capabilities of understanding the wide use of mathematics within computer sciences. I have always been attracted by the world of mathematics, always wanting to solve problems. Having studied pure maths and applied maths I can comprehend the intricate use and the ‘real world’ use of mathematics. I am intrigued by the theory of ‘imaginary numbers’ and have looked into this idea within my spare time. Another significant aspect of my life has been music. At the age of 7 I took up playing trumpet and played in many bands, having played advanced pieces such as “William tell”, Tchaikovsky’s “1812 overture” and many solos and performances , I ultimately graduated to first trumpet within a few years. This shows my ability to be incredibly eager to learn and take the lead role in many situations. I can now play grade 8 piece of music with ease. 9 years later I took up playing piano, self taught, and becoming an advanced player in a short space of time, showing I have self-motivation and determination. Having a direct inspiration from my love of classical music, this brings a unique style to my music, and I take great pride in writing and composing my own music. And have been asked on many occasions to have a professional recording, showing my talent and ability to learn quickly and efficiently. Along side computers mathematics and music, there is an extensive entrepreneurial side to me, using my familiarity of computers and internet running and controlling several successful online businesses. My main occupation has been a self-employed eBay business selling antique stamps to around the world, also controlling successful ecommerce websites, which in total brings a comfortable and stable income for me. This shows that I have natural ability for organization and responsibility. Other hobbies I take part include stamp collection which I have been involved in for over 10 years. Sailing has also been with me from a very young age, I have participated in a few races in the local sailing club, and this taught me to appreciate the evident need for teamwork. I also keep fit by running 4 miles a week; I feel that keeping fit is a very important for ones physical and mental health. I have volunteered for local charity shops giving me valuable experience in the work place. From the course I chose to complete at university I will hope to expand my knowledge on the skills I have already learnt and anticipate to learn many additional skills in the process. I also hope to carry on my extra-curricular studies, and bring great member to any team.